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Category: Mental Health
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Odile, a work in progress. -
I’ve been having a pretty rough tome in my offline life, so I haven’t been very productive.
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The shadows reached out to me,
enticing, enchanting.
“Come back to us. You were always one of us.”
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I wrote that several days before I landed in the hospital. Given my depression and generally hopeless mindset, there’s likely no relation to what actually happened, but it’s still unsettling to read retrospectively.
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I spent 8 hours in hospital on Tuesday for having a seizure. They found no cause, and I was useless because I remembered nothing about it. It was like the blink of an eye: I was reading my phone, then suddenly my dad was standing in my room looking at me in horror.
“You just had a fit,” he stammered at my blank expression, before calling an ambulance.
How could I have a fit – a stereotypical epileptic fit from what I looked up later on – and have no memory of it? All I felt was tired and my mouth felt numb. Nobody in my family is epileptic. This made no sense whatsoever.
It happened. And after eight hours, bloods, chest x-ray and a CT scan (had that yesterday), nobody knows why. I suppose there’s a “life comes at you pretty fast” joke in here somewhere, but mostly…I’m scared. Did I cause this with my admittedly not exactly clean living life? Is it finally time for, to quote my favourite novel, “the momentum of change” to begin?
I don’t know. I’m the sort who acts fairly blasé about the idea of my death, but death is still a frightening concept even to the most suicidal.
I don’t know where I want to go from here. But I don’t want to stay here.
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I don’t have a title for this, and I’m unsure whether it’s a poem or a stream of consciousness. But this is an ode to Queen. -
I followed Ariadne’s thread leading me out of the maze.
A slow process of many years, of trickery and wrong turns.Thankfully there was no mythical beast to worry about here.
The maze was a rose garden of eternal twilight. It was beautiful.
Not everything beautiful is harmless.I was pursued the entire time by whispers: taunts, threats, mocking laughter. Why leave at all, what if the whole world is like this?
Because if I never left, I would never know what the real world truly was, beyond the red and green stillness that concealed, that misled.
So I persevered. I found sunlight at last, and other people. No more thorns tearing at my skin to keep me inside.
It’s a hard world. But it is the real world. I couldn’t stay in the dark forever.
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Bloody Roses 